Retirement - Male Spoof Newspaper

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Spoof Contents

Headline

(Male First Name) (Male Surname) Retires

Sub Headline

It’s the end of an era for (Company Name)

Written By

(Written by)

Business Editor

Colleagues have waved a fond farewell to (Male First Name) (Male Surname), who has finally retired – after working for (Company Name) for as long as anyone can remember.

“(Male First Name) retiring is devastating,” said a downcast fellow employee, who asked not to be named. “It’s a very dark day for the company and he will be sadly missed.”

With (Male First Name) gone, business experts have been speculating on the future of the business without him. Some say the firm’s fortunes may well nosedive, with profits tumbling dramatically in the next quarter. This could mean drastic cuts within the company.

“The retirement of (Male First Name) could mean cutbacks at every level, so integral was he to the continued smooth running of the company,” one shocked expert commented.

However, other business gurus say his retirement may have the opposite effect, spurring the employees on to fill the huge gap left by his legacy and prompting a massive upturn in company fortunes.

“(Male First Name) leaving could be the best thing to happen to us,” said an insider. “We could see unequalled success at the firm as we rally together and attempt the impossible job of filling his shoes.”

When asked to comment about the future of the company following this shock retirement announcement, a member of Lord Alan Sugar’s entourage said, “Generally, the retirement of one individual may have little or no financial impact on the continued success of any company. But let’s face it; we are talking about (Male First Name) (Male Surname). Quite frankly the place will fall apart without him – this is a very sad day for the British economy.”