Crowds roared over the din of bleeping banks of game consoles as (Lives In) gamer (First Name) (Surname), (Age), beat all comers to be crowned World Cyber Game Champion at a frenzied final held in Tokyo, Japan, last week. Beating off strong competition from several loopy Koreans and a geek from Milwaukee, who proudly claimed not to have seen the sun for six years, (First Name) clinched victory by holding a joypad aloft in front of a crowd of 10,000 whooping game fans.
“I played a blinder,” said new champ, (Surname), with typical modesty. “There were times in the last few rounds when I thought I might sprain my fingers, but fortunately all my training paid off.”
As well as a cheque for £250,000, presented by a smiling Hideo Kojima, the gaming expert walked off with an all-expenses paid trip to a luxury resort in Bali - which he accepted after he had been assured that, yes, they had the internet over there, and yes there would be unlimited access to every imaginable game and gaming console.
“It was a nail-biting finish,” said Korean rival Am Sang Wook, who was defeated in just 50 seconds in the final. “I have trained for five years for this moment, but there was no way I could stand against this sort of talent. It was like playing against a demon. He was relentless. He set a blistering pace from the start and I just couldn’t defeat her.”
Friends and family said that the winner had been in serious training in the run-up to the final, playing a myriad of games for up to 12 hours a day to ensure peak physical and mental condition for the event. Opponents who took on the champion in practice bouts were annihilated in seconds.
“This was a sportswoman at her peak,” said one, after a practice round had ended in a predictably crushing defeat. “You simply can't hope to go up against talent like this and come away victorious. If anyone deserved to be crowned World Cyber Games Champion, it's (First Name).”
When signing autographs for fans (Surname) was questioned by the press about her future plans, and the champ simply replied, “I’ll be back. Better, stronger and faster than before.”