Christmas Number One for (Female First Name) (Female Surname)
(Female First Name) top of Christmas Charts
by (Written by)
Britain was going literally Christmas crackers yesterday. Music industry insiders were in shock, bookies were out of pocket, and pop celebrities were in floods of tears, after an outsider swooped in from nowhere to snatch the coveted Christmas No. 1 slot!
(Female First Name) (Female Surname), (Age), had promoted her single via her website and word of mouth, and buzz built so quickly in the run-up to the festive season that her single outsold Sir Cliff Richard's 'It's Christmas... Again' by 100,000 copies in the final week alone.
One record label spokesman said, “It really galls me that we didn't sign this talent up – how could we have missed this opportunity? This is one of those voices that you encounter perhaps once in a generation,” he added.
He further commented, “This single would have been a number one hit any time of year - and in any year. The fact that it’s Christmas and it beat off four reality TV stars, two models and a TV chef doing a duet with a puppet just makes it all the better.”
In the aftermath of the surprise hit, A&R men from all four major music labels besieged the (Lives In) home of (Female First Name), hoping for a glimpse of the elusive singer. Every time the front door of her home swung even half open, a volley of flashbulbs, shouted questions and waved chequebooks ensured it slammed swiftly shut again.
“She is sitting on a goldmine here,” said one. “We're talking millions if (Female First Name) is managed correctly - by me, for instance.”
And with international fame beckoning, friends and family say that it was, quite simply, about time. Having practiced in the mirror with her hairbrush for years, and perfected her dance moves - they are simply baffled that fame hadn’t come knocking before.
From the winner - silence, although it’s rumoured that she is already heading for the studio to record a debut album. We’ll have more news on this astounding talent as we get it.